i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
