my sisters under your porch take her home
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
