everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
