im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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