when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
