how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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