He uses pillows to masturbate.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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