I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
