Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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