Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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