fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
