fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
