i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
