I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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