She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
