Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
