My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
