I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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