I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
