I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
