one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
