I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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