Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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