Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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