I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
