I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
