i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's shark week go big or go home
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
