I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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