just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
