is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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