I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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