I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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