the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
