Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
