Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
