Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
