Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
