Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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