all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
