i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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