My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
