I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
