well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
