YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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