at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
