How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
