Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
