did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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