smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
