don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
